I participated in an Inner Child workshop a few weeks ago with Inna Segal and Ty Hungerford (an openhearted couple). It was one of the most profound experiences of my life. I delved deeper than I could ever have imagined. I was challenged within, with every exercise, and the insights were life changing. I am a new woman.
My intention in writing this is to show gratitude, let my soul express its authenticity and to heal ancient deep family wounds. I love my parents, my family and I am deeply grateful for all my experiences that have made me into the woman I am today.
Yes I did have a good childhood, but it was not pain free – because I felt your pain and your family’s pain. When a stranger looked into my first day of Kindy photo the first thing she said was I “was well cared for but very hesitant about anything new, she doesn’t want to get out of her comfort zone. Her parents were there but in some ways not always present and not for the real warm and fuzzy stuff.” The eyes are the windows to your soul – even at the age of 4 years old.
Throughout this workshop we did several guided meditative experiences. I first stepped into mum’s energies – just to reiterate this is not about blame, but is about understanding the bigger picture, acceptance and being authentic.
Mum as a little girl you too were truly unseen, you too had your voice taken from you, you too were not listened too emotionally, you too didn’t get your say and you too felt pain in your beautiful heart. You felt it from your parents who preferred you to be a good girl, blend in with the crowd, to be quiet as a mouse – even though your authentic self, your soul essence was screaming out to be seen in all your beauty. So you started to put up the walls, to protect your little heart. It’s ok you didn’t know any better, you didn’t know how to let your light shine brightly and diminish the pain, trauma and suffering you and the generations of your female ancestors felt.
Mum you like me always made decisions but never felt confident with them – you never trusted yourself. Especially with the big decisions in your life – leaving school, leaving home, travelling overseas, getting married, your first baby, actually all your beautiful babies. You were all about love, light and fun – but so lacked confidence and trust in this knowing – it was just so foreign for you too really feel.
When you married dad this was your energy was of unsure and uncertain. You didn’t know if you were making the right decision, you didn’t know how to trust yourself how to merge your thoughts in your head with the emotions in your heart. The protection barriers had made you lose your flow. Dad you thought all your dreams had come true because you could see the beauty in mum, in all of her, the dark and the light, the soft and the heavy – and you still chose to love. Mum just couldn’t understand the depth of his love for you.
MY FIRST PROFOUND SOUL MEMORY WAS WHEN I WAS GIVING A CLEAR MESSAGE THAT MUM WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT WITH ME – YOUR SOUL REALLY DIDN’T WANT ME TO BE A GIRL.
It would have just been too painful and too much of a reminder of the traumatic moments of having to give your first beautiful and perfect little girl up for adoption.
I can only image how horrific this was for you, it’s no wonder the world become a darker place from this day onwards. The secrecy, the heartache, the deep inner knowing that this was not your choice – its like the pain was frozen in your heart. The light was dimmed and parts of your heart were closed forever. It was easier to shut out the pain, than to feel it. This makes so much sense to me. So as a little girls do to please their mum I became a tom boy to prove my love to you, too protect you from that pain because I loved you with all my heart.
The uncertainty in me became ingrained because dad you did want a girl. Because dad you had enough love to give – for all I was and all I was to become. You did make me sparkle, wear pink and dress up in pretty dresses, play with dolls. Well you tried, but I rejected you. I failed you at every step. I didn’t mean too, I just didn’t know any better. This pattern has continued, these roles have played out throughout our whole lives. You honour me. I fail you. You accept me and I judge you. You love me and I reject you. It was just all too painful for this little girl
DAD, YOU WERE ALWAYS PRESENT, YES YOU WORKED HARD AND SOMETIMES LONG HOURS. YOU DID LIVE YOUR PASSION, YOU WHERE AN AMAZING TEACHER.
Yes I remember your presence always – at every big moment in my life – when I was born, when I went to school (every year the photos), when I hurt myself, when I needed you, when I graduated, when I went to uni, when I dabbled in drugs, when I was angry, when I fell in love, when I was heartbroken. You were present every time I ran away to travel the world despite your own serious illness you still said “go and have the time of your life.” You never judged me you were always just by my side. When I started studying Kinesiology and when I was made redundant, when I said I was changing careers you gave me your unwavering presence, encouragement and support. Dad, the deep sadness within me came from the realisation that all my life I have judged, criticised, and rejected you. The very first man in my life.
As a baby, Dad, your heart stopped beating it was like the world wasn’t ready for your big heart. That in this life time, the immensity of support mum and all the love that your 4 daughters needed was just too much for you. But the universe, your soul, it knew you would be perfect for this job. And you did it all with an open heart and presence. And even when we did reject you, judge you still gave us your unwavering presence. You still let me make mistakes, be emotional and find my way. This is the single most important job of a man – Presence. This is your gift dad – your gift to your family, your students, and your life.
Mum you always admired dad for this, you never understood it, but this is the true beauty of your love for dad that kept us all together. This is the look that I have always seen in your eyes even through the tough times, the financial strain of having to care for five children, the pain. This is the love that got you through working long hours, making delicious meals, and this is what still keeps our family together.
All this inner knowing seems to perfectly explain to me the life I have created. No wonder that I if find the commitment (marriage, house, family) so immense, no wonder it feels all too much for my soul too bare. No wonder I have created a life lacking in self confidence, with this inability to make decisions. No wonder I am single and struggle with expressing my vulnerabilities.
Now… I will try again through my own healings, tools and acknowledgements. I vow to open my heart more and more everyday. I vow to dance, to sing, to love and shine a light on my true essence for all the women in our family and beyond. I vow to nurture, speak my truth, being authentic, share my healings and live my purpose.
Stand in your power, don’t give up on your dreams.
Special Message from dad:
Don’t let your man down – Be love.
Thank you so much mum and dad for all that you have taught for me, all the you have given to me and just for being you! Your essences live through me.
Love you now and forever. Megan xx